Boyfriends bring several things to the table: emotional, mental and physical connections.
Friends don’t. Friends only bring emotional and/or mental connections. So they’ve gotta be stellar at maintaining those connections.
They can’t off-set their deficiencies with sex.
Boyfriends can.
But take away that magic maker and they’d never meet the minimum threshold for friendship.
That’s why boyfriends will never ever be friends after a breakup. They aren’t worthy of the title.
Also there’s that pesky problem of backsliding. No matter how much you think you’re over each other, inevitably one of you will backslide.
Then you’re in a mudslide of emotional muckiness.
Either way a rollicking disappointment.
Better to cut the cord and move forward.
28 comments
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October 17, 2012 at 8:54 am
winsomebella
And what to do about ex-husbands?
October 17, 2012 at 10:06 am
Kourtney Heintz
That’s a little harder. If there are no kids, cut him out. But if there are kids then you’ve got to settle into a North and South Korea situation.
October 17, 2012 at 9:38 am
philosophermouseofthehedge
Try and convince a teenager of this. ( or anything….)
October 17, 2012 at 10:06 am
Kourtney Heintz
I think it’s an age thing. I tried the friends thing with my first boyfriend. And then never again.
October 17, 2012 at 9:49 am
zelmare
I totally, completely, agree with you.
October 17, 2012 at 10:05 am
Kourtney Heintz
I’ve never understood that let’s be friends crap. I think it’s just clinging to someone whose already gone.
October 17, 2012 at 10:37 am
zelmare
I think it’s much kinder to yourself and the other person to cut cleanly. That way, if one party still has feelings for the other, they can realize it’s over, and move on.
October 17, 2012 at 10:57 am
Kourtney Heintz
Definitely. It’s hard to lose someone you care about. But once that relationship is severed, a new one can’t transplanted.
October 17, 2012 at 11:11 am
Carrie Rubin
I think it would be tricky to maintain friendship with an ex. If the couple has kids together, then they should indeed learn to be cordial to each other, but if no kids are involved, it might be best to sever the tie completely. But what do I know? I’ve been married since I was two.
October 17, 2012 at 11:14 am
Kourtney Heintz
Agreed. Tricky^2. If they share children, they have to be able to have some sort of interaction that isn’t hostile but that is purely for the kids. I have friends who go from lovers to best buds. That’s just not something that I see working. LOL. So marriage before potty training? Must be soulmates. ;P
October 17, 2012 at 11:18 am
Carrie Rubin
Okay, well maybe I exaggerated a little…
October 17, 2012 at 11:44 am
Kourtney Heintz
October 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm
Samir
A most interesting use of logical deduction
October 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm
Kourtney Heintz
LOL. I’m sure Sherlock Holmes would reach the same conclusion!
October 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm
jmmcdowell
I suppose there could be exceptions, but I don’t keep in contact with any ex-boyfriends. I’m not sure it was a conscious decision, but it’s the way things worked out.
October 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Kourtney Heintz
Agreed. Everyone is different and has to do what works for them. For me friend is a term applied to deep meaningful emotional connections. Boyfriend doesn’t necessary reach friend and surpass it.
Sometimes things work out for the best.
October 17, 2012 at 7:43 pm
August McLaughlin
With you 100 percent, Kourtney. Going from intimate partners to broken up to friends isn’t a natural or healthy progression, IMO. There may be exceptions, but I’m certainly not one of them.
October 17, 2012 at 7:47 pm
Kourtney Heintz
Thanks August.
It just feels like a forced method of keeping someone connected when the connection was severed. I am happy for the exceptions if it works for them. I’m not one of those people either. Though I did try it once so I can say been there done that. 
October 17, 2012 at 10:15 pm
EllaDee
I agree, once you break up with them, so long as there’s no kids involved, they’re as good as dead, especially if they’re the break upperer – in my experience they only want to be friends so they don’t feel so bad/guilty. One of my favourite all time quotes (& I have a few) is Tupac Shakur’s “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f^ck on.”
October 18, 2012 at 9:43 am
Kourtney Heintz
Awesome quote! Definitely words to live by.
And I agree, they are systematically removed from my existence so that I can move forward. If they couldn’t cut it as a boyfriend, they sure won’t be a decent friend.
October 18, 2012 at 4:28 am
Victoria-writes
First of all i LOVE Taylor! And yes I agree – I’m not friends with any exes. There’s a reason they are an ex!
October 18, 2012 at 9:42 am
Kourtney Heintz
Me too! Every thing she does is on my like list.
LOL. Nicely said.
October 18, 2012 at 3:54 pm
Elliot
I’m not one to stay good friends with ex’s unless there is a reason to. I’ve lots one or two good friends through break ups and others were no big deal. But then without these, I would not have my wife and son now, so in the grand scheme of things, it was worth it.
October 18, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Kourtney Heintz
Nice take on it. Perhaps if you hadn’t lost those other people, there wouldn’t have been room for the ones that fit so well later on.
October 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm
4amWriter
I think you’re probably right, unfortunately. I did try to maintain friendships with ex-boyfriends and they always ruined it by wanting to resume the relationship. Sometimes I wonder if more time would help, but then I think no, I’d rather cultivate friendships that don’t carry all that baggage.
October 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Kourtney Heintz
I’ve always kept the friends and the boyfriends in separate arenas. I don’t think anyone should maneuver between them. Not that it can’t happen or that it couldn’t work for others, just not for me. I tried to be friends with an ex but each of us always wanted more at some point and it hurt so much more to say goodbye the second time.
December 11, 2012 at 7:24 pm
berry
You cam never go back. It’s never ever the same.
December 11, 2012 at 8:12 pm
Kourtney Heintz
You can’t. But you always want to.