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I was so excited in May when a huge agent requested my full. I was delighted two weeks later when her assistant praised my novel and sent me two pages of editorial notes. I was determined to get to work when she said my take on the underlying issues and possible solutions seemed fine.
I spent the next 3 months revising. I incorporated all the things I’d laid out in my reply to her feedback. I felt so excited. This was the best book I’d ever written. My crit partner loved it. I loved it.
And then I sent it off last week. The waiting began, but I was relieved to have time to devote to chores and finding a part-time job. I was on a mini-break from writing. Three days later, the agent wrote me back.
I saw her email in my inbox and thought OMG, 3 days–she must like it.
WRONG.
She didn’t like it.
In fact, she listed new issues she never touched on in her previous letter and made it sound like I ignored them. No. This was the first time she ever broached the topic.
All her previous emails had exclamation points and were so positive. This one was business-like and cold.
Like I was called to the principal’s office. It was humiliating.
All the hope drained out of me.
I reached mile 25 in a marathon and was told to start all over again.
It all feels completely pointless.
Like I will never be a published writer.
Like I’m the stupidest most delusional person in the world.
Like this was the dumbest undertaking of my existence.
My stomach devours itself. My heart aches, like an invisible hand is squeezing all the blood out of it.
I’m scrambling to process this.
I had a plan to start revising my next book, but that has to be delayed. I can’t approach it with anything resembling hope. All hope has fled. And until it returns everything I do is pointless.
Here’s a reblog of something I posted in 2011 about writer fear. Thought it might be useful to hear what happens inside my head in that moment. 
It’s so much easier to see where you’ve been than where you are going.
I can look back at my life and connect the dots. See what led to successes and misses.
I can weave a beautiful tale of how things came to be.
But at the time, I had no idea where each dot would lead.
It’s scary and exciting. Right now I’m at another dot. A blip on the map of my existence. No idea where I will be next.
There are many many possibilities, but I have no idea where they will lead.
Like a hawk sitting on a precipice, unsure if I will soar or plummet again.
But for the moment I’m going to delight in making it this far.
Resolution #1: Lose 35 lbs in 2011 and keep it off.
Status: Lost 22 lbs total and then gained half back by the end of the year. Overall, I lost and kept off 10 lbs.
Resolution #2: Finish drafting my second novel by May 2011.
Dunzo!!!! Finished drafting March 31! Finished editing July 1. Started querying agents in mid-September. Got a couple requests. Did another round of revisions.
Resolution #3: Send out queries until someone falls in love with my YA novel.
Sent out 117 queries for my first book. Waiting to hear back on a full request. Decided to revise in January/February and attend SCWBI conferences in January and April.
Resolution #4: Meditate and play with Emerson more.
Taking walks once or twice a week with Emerson. Meditate a couple times a week.
Resolution #5: Speak my mind when asked.
Find I enjoy saying no. It’s nice not to bow to social pressure and do things I hate. People tend to appreciate tactful honesty a few weeks after the fact.
4/5 done pretty well. That’s a B. I can live with a B. But next year, I’m going to tackle the weight loss with absolute gusto.
Do you ever have these moments where you are baccarat crystal clear about one fact and one fact only?
I know I’m doing something I love. That’s it.
Don’t know if I’m good at it. Don’t know if I’ll ever make anything of it. Don’t know if anyone will ever care.
But on I’m on the road to somewhere.
Having no idea if anyone will ever read my books. The possibility that I’ll be dust in an urn before someone looks at my manuscript and thinks wow.
It really bothers me. The idea that I am nothing.
But now I’m thinking, maybe that is what we run so hard and fast from. Spending a lifetime pointing to achievements to prove we matter.
Maybe if we just accept that we are inconsequential. Maybe then we have the chance at greatness.
It’s not an everyday thing. But some mornings, after I finish my breakfast, FB, emails. It comes.
The Fear. That today I won’t know where to begin my writing. That I’ll sit at the laptop frozen in terror. That my abilities won’t come. That I won’t be enough anymore.
It’s a freaky discombobulating sensation. An anchor dragging me down. While a frenzy of anxiety fireworks shoot off in my mind.
What if today is the day that I can’t do it anymore?
What if I don’t have any more ideas or enhancements to the manuscript?
What if I just can’t do it?
Blind searing panic. Rips open the door on self doubt. The naysayers in my own mind gnaw at me.
And then I force myself to sit down. To start the editing. Sometimes the gears are rusty, but my mind eventually finds the grooves.
And if I can’t edit, I story storm the next book. Type some bullet points for the outline that I haven’t drafted yet.
And if that doesn’t work, I write the blog.
Worst case, I send an oh-my-God-I’ll-never-write-again email to a friend.
Anything to get the writing juices flowing.
It’s been 5 years of writing stories. And this still happens. I think it’s just a part of the writing life.
The fear is always there. The coping mechanisms just get more refined and so what could paralyze you for a week can be condensed down to 15 minutes.
How do you cope with anxiety? The fear of writer’s block/losing your muse?
So it’s that time of year where we all make resolutions. Some small (clean the garage), others huge (lose 100 lbs).
Most of the time, we don’t succeed. Not because making resolutions is a stupid exercise in futility. No.
Because we don’t come up with a plan to execute them properly and stick with it.
I’ve sat down and come up with an exercise regimen and a diet regime. I know what I have to do to lose 35 lbs.
Work comes easier. Somehow those goals are so much more achievable to me.
Realizing I am just a small being in a huge forest, I will only make 5 resolutions this year.
Resolution #1: Lose 35 lbs in 2011 and keep it off.
Resolution #2: Finish drafting my second novel by May 2011.
Resolution #3: Send out queries until someone falls in love with my YA novel.
Resolution #4: Meditate and play with Emerson more.
Resolution #5: Speak my mind when asked.
I’ll check in with you every month with status reports on these resolutions. It will keep me honest and on track.
What are your resolutions for the New Year? How do you plan to stay on target with them?
